DAILY.
its been days since i upated this blog. well, maybe im just too busy fixing my life. lets start sunday afternoon..
everythings all messed up because of me. we were at he dining table. as usual, i am wearing my favorite tank top when mom started the conversation. "you are too thin. kumain ka nman ng maayos hindi yang kain ipis ka lagi." and then dun na nagsimulang uminit ang ulo ni dad. i am not saying anything. tahimik lang ako kasi i know, its my fault. when im all fed up nagsalita nako. "dad, may problema lang ako. this is not about me staying up late. even if i go to bed early, hindi rin ako makakatulog kaya inaaliw ko na lang ang sarili ko." and then he shouted at me "ano na naman ang problema mo?!" haller!! alangan namang sabihin ko. so i just said its way too personal to discuss at the table. then mom said, "umiinom ka pa ba ng mga gamot mo?" di ako naksagot cos i know, hindi ko nga talaga nagagalaw yung mga gamot ko. [ima hard headed bitch] so ayun, nagsisigaw na si daddy. pinapatay ko daw ang sarili ko. it ended me crying in my room, suka once in a while. then i heardhu u?
mom said "hindi lahat ng problema isinisigaw. look what happened. lalong nawala ang kinain ng anak mo." because of that, lalo akong nag self pity. why the hell am i like this? im statring to hate myself. lahat nadamay ng dahil lang sa problema ko kay **. pati mga magulang ko nag away na. fucker.
the skip issue.
ayan, oo lantaran na. everybody knows about skip already, but i have to clear this up. we may be close enough, he may be sweet, he may be nice to me, i may be nice to him too but that doesnt mean its us. yeah he wants more than friendship, but thats one thing i cannot give him. im just over a relalionship, so i cant engage on another one this early, or maybe, forever. honestly, he is special, pasado sya sa standards ko pero hanggang dun lang yun. ayoko ng pumasok sa isa pang gulo. when we had the chance to talk about us, it was like a debate. it was me trying my best to prove him that its not wise to be us and it was him trying to tell me that everything is okay and that maybe we should formalize things. i cant. i just cant. he said, bakit kailangang sya ang magsuffer sa trauma ko kay **, bakit after ** nag generalize nako ng tao. hindi daw lahat ng lalake tulad ni **. well, maybe, thats one reason why i cant love another man ingame, "hindi lahat ng lalake tulad ni **"
CS last saturday was not at all challenging, ang mga switch holders nagkwekwentuhan lang sa likod ko, kulang na lang e mag afk. ang buffer sa TR which is me, ayun palipad lipad lang. sus d man lang ako naubusan ng sd.. pero si skip, ayan tunaw na ako kamote.. ayoko ng tinititigan ako..
after the CS eto ang sabi nya "kita ko kanina ang natutukan ng cursor mo." wtf, pati yun nakita.. tumawa lang ako. :D
monday.
headline would be them waiting for ** in devias. i was there, kwentuhan, kamote club vs icecream club. forum spammers kami e. hehehe nun dumating c **, dun na nagsimula ang lahat. i just chose to leave. i cried, nahihirapan ako sa nakikita ko. he's the guy i used to love, tapos ganon ang nangyayari. masakit, pero wala akong magagawa. i never asked for their support, theyre all doing it voluntarily. **, if ever you're reading this, hindi ko ginustong mangyari ang lahat, maybe its just because they saw me crying while seeing you happy with someone else and you know my tears flow like hell. im sorry, i wasnt able to hide my emotions to everybody whose with me last seige.
gusto ko ng matigil ang lahat. gusto ko ng matapos. gusto ko ng makalimot. tama na..
tuesday.
early in the morning, we went to the hospital for my check up. sabi ni dad lalagyan daw ako ng dextrose para magkalaman ang tyan ko. good thing, hindi natuloy, ang dextrose. the doctore just gave me sangkaterbang gamot and a bit of advice about handling stress. current weight is 80lbs, underweight last week i am at 93. T_T. current bp is 70/40 again. anu vah.. lagi na lang ganyan.
everybody is leaving for georgia tom. i chose not to go with them. i have to find myself. i wanna be alone.
