DAILY.
i have been very blind for not seeing a lot of things. i was not even able to appreciate the people around me. the people who truly cares. it has been proven, love has its power that made people involved too blind to see the real thing. and after its gone, you will find yourself on a cliff, ready to fall with all your friends behind you.
i have focused all my attention to just one person for a couple of months. ive been too blind to see that there are people around me who deserves my attention better. and now i realized, losing one person means winning more than what you have lost. i have proven to myself, arena deserves all the effort i gave them. when i am supposed to turn my back on them, who is behind me to offer a hanky for my tears?
people think that ipe's concern is just for the guild. nothing too personal. but the way we talked, i realized, ipe is not just the guild master who you could ask about in game matters. ipe is also a real friend whom i can share my miseries with. the words ipe left for me to think about, is something that is worth putting into writing. i have been warned, and yet, i didnt listen. he said, it happened before, and you still didnt learn from it. but no matter how hard that head is, we are here.
i was so touched. i am not really at ease sharing love problems with ipe. but this time, ipe didnt become that scary guy who used to shout on everybody. he spoke to me in a subtle way. just like real friends do. i am so thankful i found a place with arena.
to lui, who never failed to cheer me up. mom is right. leave everything to god and you'll find yourself on the right track. ive been very blind to see how he loved me. everybody has flaws but behind those, you'll see who really deserves you. i have been a pain in the ass for a lot of people. my bad. my bratty attitude, extreme jealousy, insecurities and so on. but lui took everything as something he loved about me. he said: you are a very unique person thats why its too hard for me to let you go. i learned to love you the way you really are. your bratty attitude, your insecurities, that made me love you more. it only proves your fear of losing the one you love. i asked my mom about it. its just normal for a girl who is madly inlove. so if he cant live with that, its not your problem anymore. here, i bought you ice cream, laman tyan din yan.
after all that i heard, i can say, lui deserves my attention. i wasnt even thinking of how hes feeling while i am there, inside my room, crying because of another guy. well, i can see it to his face, he's a little disappointed but instead of putting more to my emotional baggage, he sat beside me and say : its not yet the end of the world. he is right. its not yet the end of the world.
and now that i have recovered, and i already had a good cry, its time to stand and start a new life. i spent the whole night thinking of how to handle more pressures, more pains. then i come up with this, i am not bitter, nor having false hopes. im not longing to win him back either. all i want is a peaceful life. i know i have to be strong, not only one person can destroy me. i have been through alot of pains in my life so why be affected by those simple words? they are merely words, if he wanted to hurt me more, then my doors are open, im open for a good spank, if that would make him happy.
i am not threatened that for a short period of time, theres someone making him happy. well, in fact im happy it happened. im happy they met for it means the end of the chase. the more he posts about her, the more i smile. he's moving on and im happy for him. before, i am too afraid to read, too afraid to see whats going on, but since i have an overused heart, now its nothing to me. im used to it. face you fears.
to my bestfriend, i know this is what you want to happen. you wanted me to become the old me, yung palaban. but there are times that we have to accept, we shouldnt fight all the battles. some battles are better left without carrying a good fight. keeping my mouth shut healed me faster. thats what i want you to understand. after all the things that happened in my life, for all the pains i have endured, the softer part of me has emerged. i am not always ready to fight cos i know, its not worth fighting for. it deserves an end to everything.
just this morning, mom and i was able to talk. shes just bothered by me not eating for 3 days now. and being my mom, of course she knows why. ive been like that since childhood so she asked: care for a cup of coffee? i get it, she wanted to talk to me so i said, yeah but more on milk :D when i sat infront of the dining table, her first words: whats the matter with you? and i just smiled and said: mom, this is nothing. im old enough, i can handle this alone. and then the envelope of bills flew in the air and hit my head.. she said: i rarely talk to you thinking that you really are old enough. but i am bothered by you not eating. look at yourself, anorexia has strucked you again. its time to move on, or else it will cost me money. do you really wanna go with me in georgia? and i said yes. [uhmn.. dat would be next week. :D] but she said, if tomorow you dont eat, then say goodbye to your visa. her last words that really scared me. hell, how am i gonna do what she wanted me to do. honestly, i tried putting those fcking food in my mouth and it ended me throwing up at the cr.. im trying, trying my best cos i really wanna meet georgia.
they say, when starting a new life, you should lay down some plans, some resolutions. oh well, i think its just about apreciating the people around me. long distance relationships really do not work with me. people too far away from me can never understand me for they were not able to feel how i show love when we're together. i know, and i am confident to say, that i am the best lover, but also your worst nightmare. when im inlove, i always give my all even if the world has turned his back to my partner, i will always be on his side. i am not just a lover, i am a bestfriend. i am open to turning that lover into a bestfriend if all things had just messed up but with what happened, hes the first ex who never became my friend after sharing a lot of memories.
